You may meet your PIR while they are in the midst of working Steps Four through Ten and be curious about what this "amends making" is all about.
I was so unfamiliar with the Twelve Steps that I didn't know enough to ask Steve about them or if he had done them.
When partners of recovering addicts have no personal addiction or recovery experience, it can be helpful for them to know what their loved one has been through and how their loved one developed healthy relationship skills.
Author Karen Nagy outlines Steps Four through Ten: the "Relationship Steps." Mending relationships that were broken due to addiction is an ongoing task in recovery.
It was harder for him to admit the sexual harms he'd done and the people he'd used when he was still drinking.
But he said he needed to face those things if he ever hoped to have a healthy relationship--sexual and otherwise--in the future.
Many PIRs [people in recovery] also need help establishing healthy relationships.
Some PIRs come from unhappy families in which emotional or physical abuse and addiction were common.
The Big Book, page 64, says that "resentment is the 'number one' offender," and that it destroys more addicts than anything else does.Because of this, some PIRs may have developed trust, intimacy, or abandonment issues.As a result, they might view dysfunctional relationships as normal and seek out these types of unhealthy relationships in their new sober life, unless they are made aware of what they are doing and work diligently to release and heal their past.In these Steps, PIRs practice reaching out to other people and face their fear of rejection.In the process, they learn mutual respect for others and how to have equality in a relationship rather than power over someone else.
And I certainly didn't know that, as someone in a relationship with a PIR, it would have been good for me to do these Steps as well.